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Rita: Until I get it right, I will try

You know, I’ve mentioned what my life was like before this contest started. I was just beginning to turn my life around after two years of horrible depression and anxiety. I was horribly obese, yet I had begun to manage my eating a few months before I head of Thin It to Win It… Yet I was slowly beginning to give up once more. Then, I heard of this program, and gave it a chance. I was lucky enough to be picked, and here I am now, with my life drastically altered. I do know now that I am capable of doing so much more than I gave myself credit for, and it’s a wonderful thing. Ah, and I don’t mean that my views have only changed in the ways of being healthy. No, my views on life, over all, have been changed. Life isn’t the dark, depressing thing I though it was. I’ve always had my family and friends here for me, yet the world seemed so dark and unforgiving… It was as if everything I tried never measured up to anyone’s standards and all I could do was fail. Failure was something I desperately feared. Ah, yet now I know that everyone will fail, and make mistakes… Yet what we must do is stand, brush ourselves off, and try again. If I fail, I will try again… And again, and again… Until I get it right, I will try.

I let the dark bits of the world get at me for far too long. I always knew that there was some good out there, and that if I continued to hide away in my room, I would never find it… Yet I was so anxious and such that I didn’t care to put in the effort to attempting to find it. There were far too many negatives, it seemed, especially when my fall in February of 2010 occurred. That was the final blow. I was given a chance, however, when I found my way to the chiropractor, and, many months later, got my way into physical therapy. When I did the exercises there, I was shown that, if I worked hard enough, I could change the way I felt. I would stretch my back out, and with the exercises, the pain I had seemed to melt away. The more I moved, the better I felt. I was well enough to leave physical therapy in only a few months. I continued to do the exercises, as I still do… I finally saw something good come from trying to exercise. Every time I would try before, whether it be in gym in school, or an attempt at home on my own, I would always fail. I would always feel inadequate, as if I was merely getting out of breath for nothing. Yet now, that has been changed.

Mom always told me that if I moved more, I would feel better… Yet the things I was told never really sink in back then. In one ear, out the other… In my head, I would think, “Yeah, sure I’ll feel better. I’ve tried, Mom, and I feel worse.” I just wasn’t doing it right. Now that I am, I can agree with her now. I guess I had to find out on my own, because I was too negative to listen. I still get that way… Yet I’m trying to improve on it. Before, I thought that things would just come running when I wished them on, and, in all truth, I didn’t know much about hard work. Yet I know now that, just because you want something doesn’t mean the world is going to stop what it’s doing to hand you it. I have to push myself, to work as hard as I can for the things I want in life. I know I’ll never be a skinny supermodel, (not that I really ever want to be one, anyway), yet I do want to be healthy. I want to be able to go for a mile or two run in the morning to start my day and not pass out halfway through due to exhaustion. There are so many amazing people out there who can do such things, and I do envy them… Yet I can’t sit back and wish I was like them. No, I have to work hard enough, to get myself to that point with determination. For some reason, I always thought that, “Oh, I can go for a 10 minute walk and maybe I’ll magically start running and lose 10 lbs…” No, no, it’s not that easy, and I’m idiotic for thinking that it would be. Oh well, I know now, and what is in the past, is in the past.

The present and the future are what I will dwell on now. I always talk about what happened last year and the year before… Yet what happened then can’t be changed, and it doesn’t matter. It’s what I do with the time I have that matters. The world could end tomorrow, and everything would be gone. Could you sit back and say that you decided to drastically alter your life for the better? I can. I can say that I did my best, and as long as I’m up and running, that’s all I’ll ever do. We can be beaten by darkness, thrown to our knees and made to beg, or we can take a stand and fight our way back to the light. I know I must always keep moving forward, because going back would be pointless. “If you fall off the horse, get back on.” Why would anyone want to just sit there in the dirt, feeling sorry for themselves? I used to do that, and there are days when I still feel like all I want to do is crawl into a corner and just cry. Ah, yet I get those emotions out, wipe my eyes, and head back on out. Ah, and for the people who support me, and who have helped change my life, that have helped me realize this (even though it took me a while)… Thank you.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate… Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond all measure. ” – Unknown, inspired by Shanna

Posted in: Rita Slawinski, Week 11

One Response to Rita: Until I get it right, I will try

  1. Linda says:

    Fantastic attitude, Rita! The past is past. Make the best of today, as you have been, and the future will fall into place. You will accomplish many things in life – and better health is just the start. Keep up the great work.

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