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I have realized something. I enjoy working out. I mean it. Like really enjoy it. How did I come upon this realization? By not working out.

I’m not being lazy. And I haven’t been too busy. I’ve just fallen victim to this ever-changing weather. It started last Monday with a sore throat. It then blossomed into full blown bronchitis. Lovely, right? Riiight. Well, anyway, my doctor informed me that my lungs need time to heal so I would not be allowed to work out until (fingers crossed) this Friday. Yep. So I’ve been sick since last Monday…a week and 3 days…and counting. So I’ve only worked out twice in the past week and 3 days. And that just stinks. Like bad.

So, I will be thoroughly excited when I am able to resume sweating profusely whilst getting my butt kicked. Friday can’t come soon enough.

I need to clarify something. This whole thing…it’s not about the contest. Sure I’ve been talking in terms of the contest and how it’s soon ending. But that doesn’t mean that my lifestyle change is ending. What I mean when I talk about how I don’t want it to end is that I don’t want this chapter of my lifestyle change to end. When this contest is over, this chapter will be over. No one can argue that. But, using the same logic, a new chapter will begin. This new chapter will still involve me working out and eating healthy. It’ll just be different. That’s all.

I am not a “gym rat.” I will never be. And that’s ok (it’s also ok if you are). I can say, however, that I enjoy going to the gym now. I like how I feel afterwards. But it is by no means my whole world. What I need it to be is an addition to my life…I don’t need it to be my life. And that doesn’t make me any less dedicated. When I go to the gym, I work my butt off. I push myself. I put everything into my time spent there. But I don’t have to spend 4 hours there to feel like I’m accomplishing something. And honestly, I think that’s OK. I don’t need to be obsessed about working out to lose weight and be healthy. I just need to make sure it’s a part of my life. To me, that is something I can continue for the long term. If I spent too much time at the gym I know I would get burnt out. I would get to the point where I’d hate it. And I wouldn’t want to go anymore. And then where would I be?

As for eating healthy…there are good days and bad days. I am not going to say it’s easy, but it’s something I am conscious of now. And something I want to do now. For me. If I slip up, that’s OK. I’m only human. It does no good to beat myself up over it. And I’m not on a “diet.” That would do me no good. It’s a lifestyle change. I can’t eat right ALL the time, but I can eat right MOST of the time. If I want something sweet, I eat fruit. But I will let myself have chocolate every once in a while. If I didn’t, I’d go nuts. It does no good to deny yourself everything all the time. But it does no good to gorge yourself either. Or just eat junk. I’m not an emotional eater and I don’t eat huge portions…I just didn’t care what I ate…if it sounded good, I’d eat it. I never thought about what it was doing for me…or to me. I didn’t think about food as fuel. But now my perspective has changed. I now eat what I need to for my body…what gives me nutrients and energy.

So, some people would say that I’m not giving 100%. Sure, I could go to the gym 4 hours a day, twice a day. I could eat just lettuce and chicken all the time. But what would that do? I may lose a ton of weight now, but would I be able to keep it off? Would I be able to maintain that lifestyle for a long period of time? Probably not. What I am doing may not seem like much to some, but I am doing what I can consistently do. I am working out on a consistent basis and eating healthy on a consistent basis. I plan on maintaining this. I plan on this being my lifestyle. So, like the tortoise, I am going slow and steady. And eventually, I’ll get there. And once I do – I won’t stop. I’ll just keep going. Slow and steady.

Winning isn’t everything (unless you’re competing against yourself…then I guess winning IS everything…which I kind of am doing…but that makes this blog more complicated so we’ll just focus on the competing-against-others aspect). So. Right. About winning and how it’s not everything…

Did you know that even if you don’t win, you can gain something? Something that, in the long run, could be more valuable? Well, you can! You’re probably thinking “Great. But why is she talking about all of this when clearly the competition is still going on?” Good question. And the answer is this: I just think it’s important to express that – no matter the outcome – I will be taking many, many wonderful things with me.

One is a home away from home. I honestly never thought a gym could be that for me, but this one is. Flab to Fab is one big family and I am privileged to be a member (a slightly dysfunctional member, maybe, but every family has to have one, right?!?). I have never felt more comfortable or been welcomed as warmly as I have there. So, like the 40 year old man who still lives with his parents, you can’t get rid of me…I’m here and I’m staying.

Another thing I’ll be taking with me is the friendship from the other girls. Every single one of these women is special and I am so lucky to not only know them, but to share this experience with them. I couldn’t imagine doing this with anyone else! They have been a huge support. And I only hope that we can continue to laugh ‘til we snort – whether it’s in the gym or not.

I’ll also be taking with me the tools necessary to succeed. I know what I need to do to be healthy. I know what foods I need to eat (or…what NOT to eat. *Sigh* I still miss you pizza…and cookies). I know I have to eat as often as a baby (every three hours!). And I know what I need to do to turn my chopped ham into lean turkey (one word: exercise).

I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and…

And…well…that’s it. But this is the first time (in a long time) that I actually feel it.

My definition of “pretty” might be different, though. I feel pretty on the inside. I feel like I’m worth it. I’m worth making the effort. I’m worth taking care of. I feel stronger and more confident. I feel like I can do this. I just wish I would have felt this way all along…I wouldn’t have let myself get so big. I just honestly didn’t care about myself. It’s not that I ate huge portions or just junk food. I looove my veggies! I just didn’t exercise. And I did eat a lot of carbs. But I didn’t care. I think I still kind of felt that way at the beginning of this whole thing. But now I do care about myself. I want to be around for a very long time. I want to have kids. I want to be the fun, spontaneous person I once was. I want to be stronger. I want to be thinner. I want to be healthier. And I will. Because now I feel pretty.

You know you’ve been working out a lot at Flab to Fab if…

1. You make the connection that the song on the radio is also a song played in Chelsea’s Zumba class
2. You start dancing to said song like you were in Chelsea’s Zumba class
3. Your new mantra is “abs are contracted”
4. Your all day outfit usually consists of stretch pants and a t-shirt
5. You start showing off your newly acquired muscles by having anyone (willing or not) feel your arm
6. Your spouse tells you to stop moving your arms in your sleep
7. Your dreams involve doing bicep curls
8. Your dreams involve the gym – period
9. You automatically do a squat in front of your toilet…because “pretend there’s a dirty toilet and you don’t want to touch it” is ingrained in your head
10. You have the energy to do all of your household chores WITHOUT taking a nap in between
11. You still feel the burn during Todd’s Body Burn class, but you don’t feel like you’re going to throw up anymore (woo-hoo!)
12. You can add a little swagger to your moves in Shanna’s Hip Hop class
13. You can say the word “kettlebell” without – *sniff* – tearing up
14. You are losing both inches AND pounds (yay!!!)

And finally…

 You look forward to going to the gym to see what else is in store for you (because there’s never a dull moment…thanks to Lisa and her yellow paper

And another one gone, and another one gone.

Another week bites the dust.

 I just don’t want this to end. *Sniff*

Through the sweaty times and the “oh no I’m going to puke” times…through the giggles and the tears…I’ve become attached. I love it. I love the people. I love how I feel. I’m just brimming with love and rainbows and sunshine. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. And clearly this is why I don’t like this whole time-flying-by thing. So it needs to stop. Now.  Thanks.

I am having a hard time writing this week. I think it’s because the part of my brain that was once gung-ho about this whole contest has since decided to stay in bed and draw the shades. I’m just frustrated. I’ve been working my butt (and arms…and legs…) off but I just can’t seem to pull those big numbers like the other girls. I’ve also been following my diet – so much so that I sometimes decline invitations from family and friends to go to their houses for dinner. So what am I doing wrong? Lisa told me that I’m a big ball of muscle. I guess that means it’s harder for me to lose. I mean, I’m losing – just not in large quantities. It certainly doesn’t make hearing the other girls talk about their inches lost or their pounds lost any easier. And it doesn’t help when the girls tell me that I’m already small (compared to them). I understand but it hurts. I’m trying so hard, just like them, why can’t I be rewarded like them? It makes me feel very alone.  We’re all working towards the same thing. I just feel like the other girls think I’m so much closer. I’m not. I still have a long way to go. And with the results I’ve been getting, it’s going to take me just as long if not longer. Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of each and every one of those girls. And I love being around them – they’re all really amazing people. I guess I just need to recognize that this is a one-on-one game – it’s me against myself. And right now I’m not sure if I’m winning or losing.