As of late my hardest challenge has been silencing that voice. However, that voice does not tell me I cannot paint, that voice tells me me to give up…that I can’t do this. “Small” has never been my thing, basically large tasks are hard for me because they take small steps. My weight is the perfect example of this… My ideal weight seems forever away, 5 pounds is progress but very small step in a series of hundreds of small steps. It is hard for me to accept that I need to take things one step at a time, especially when the reward seems so far away.
When I am uncomfortable I make jokes…humor is my comfort mask. Sometimes that mask causes a lot of self-doubt, I make a joke and then I think about how true what I said was and how truly unfunny my joke was. This experience has been very hard for me so far but looking at me all you will see is the smile I put on. I never want people around to see just how unhappy I have been, so I hide behind the humor. The other day I was asked what my goal weight was and i thought about it and came up with a rough number, but in coming up with that number I realized I want…no I need to lose 220 pounds. This thought made me very uncomfortable so I cracked the joke that not only do I need to lose a persons, I need to lose an obese person. Everyone laughed, even me…but inside I wanted to cry because that made being thin seem even farther away.
So my small step for this week is to shut out that negative voice, to prove myself wrong, to lose that extra person and with her all the negative and self-doubting thoughts. I CAN DO THIS AND I WILL!