Losing weight is truly a battle with the mind. The things that I’ve gone through mentally are way more tough than any workout. My ultimate wish is to no longer let my stress or food control me. I have really went through a rough patch the past couple weeks. I’ve gotten discouraged about my work schedule and how much time I was able to spend at the gym. I go as often as I can but I wish sometimes I could just pause life and focus on me. Also, I am the definition of an emotional eater. I eat when I’m sad, upset or bored and lately due to stress. My mind tricks me into thinking if I’ve had a bad day, a bowl of pasta will make me feel better. And so I’ve noticed, it does make me feel better… but only temporarily. Afterwards, I feel guilty and ashamed of myself. The key for me in conquering this weight is going to be consistency. I am going to have to keep trying to make the right choices even on stressful or bad days. Everyone will go through rough patches in life and the key to that is resiliency. It doesn’t matter how many times I fail but it does matter how many times I bounce back and keep on trying. Flab 2 Fab is a great place for motivation and I feel very cared for. I know Lisa, my friends and my fiance Mike will help me get through these bumps in the road. But at the end of the day, only I can control what I put in my mouth and how much I exercise. I will break through this, I refuse to let go of the chance of a truly happy, healthy life.
”God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference.”
The Serenity Prayer has such an important message. There are many things I can’t change and I am learning to accept that. I can’t change that I got to over 300 pounds. I also cannot change the fact that I need to work and can’t always be in the gym as much as I’d like. I can’t change my past mistakes and failures. I have spent lots of tears and wasted energy dwelling on these things. I have gained so much strength and courage during the past couple months. I never thought I would be able to admit how much I weigh and my eating habits on a huge scale like this. I also never thought I’d have the courage to push myself this much and not give up during some intense workouts. I also have the courage to say that I am NOT perfect and still will make mistakes. I know only I can change my life and lose this weight. I am not on The Biggest Loser, I am living real life with real every day struggles. And you know what, I plan on making it the best life possible.
This experience has been so amazing in so many different ways. I have never exercised and been this active my whole life. I have never sweat so much either! Now that I am in a routine of working out, I can’t believe I didn’t start this a long time ago. I keep pushing myself beyond what I thought I was capable of and I’m learning I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. I am not the most coordinated or strong person in the gym but that doesn’t matter. I am still trying my best and will continue to until I reach my long term goals. My struggle with food is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I tried to totally change my diet at the beginning of this journey and I failed. I have made some great changes to my diet but I still have had some days of serious regret. I have gone through some pretty tough things during my childhood and high school and food has always been my crutch. It is pretty embarrasing to say but I almost feel like I have a food addiction sometimes. Using food for comfort is what I’ve done for 22 years of my life whether I was depressed or stressed, it is what I would always turn to. I never was that overweight growing up but then after high school, I really just didn’t monitor my food intake what so ever. So since 2007 to now, I have gained around 150 pounds. It hurts me so much and makes me wonder why I would let my weight get this out of control. And then I have to face the cold hard truth, I don’t feel like I’m worth it. I pretty much gave up. My love is so huge for the people in my life and then when it comes to me it is so very small. No one should go through life not loving who they see in the mirror. I want to feel beautiful and love myself more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. This experience has definitely jump started my self esteem but there is a lot of damage to fix. I have a long road ahead of me and there are going to be bumps along the way but I am not giving up, not this time.
Something crazy has happened! I have become a person that enjoys going to the gym. I never thought in a million years I would feel this way. I really enjoy the gym because of Lisa and the girls and also because of how I feel after a workout. When I get to exercise in the morning, I feel happier and have more energy the rest of the day. I love being active and until this competition I didn’t realize how much sitting on my butt I was doing. I can talk long walks now without getting out of breath and it is just a very good feeling. I also am trying my best to watch what I am eating. I am still struggling with breaking my eating habits. I have been using food for comfort for almost all of my life. It has definitely gotten better but stress eating is something I need to work on. If I have a bad day at work or just in general, I want something fattening and mentally I feel like I am making myself feel better. I know that this is not the answer to relieve my stress. I am proud of the changes I have made so far but I am a work in progress. I really do not want this competition to ever end, it is one of the best things that has ever happened to me!
I stumbled across this quote the other day and it made me reflect a lot on this journey I am on. I have always gotten discouraged due to the large amount of weight I need to lose. I have started and quit weight loss attempts too many times to count. In the past, I have always thrown in the towel when things got a little too tough for me. I refuse to live that way anymore! There are times during a workout where I am hurting so badly that I could cry. A lot of the time, I feel clueless in the gym but every time I go I am learning something new. Plus, just doing this a little over a month now, I feel that I definitley have more stanima during my workouts. My dreams for the future are what motivate me every single day. I want to look in the mirror for the first time in my life and truly say that I love myself. I also want to be an inspiration to others that you can turn your life around if you just put your mind to it. Most of all, I want to live a long and happy life with my fiance Mike and have a beautiful family. It took a long time to put on this weight and it will take awhile to get it off. Every day I step into the gym and choose healthier food options, I am one step closer towards my dreams.
This week has been another great week. I am becoming addicted to Zumba and Hip Hop class even though I seriously need to work on my dancing skills. I also have been doing a mix of cardio and strength training. Before this competition, I never heard of kettlebells. Now we use them pretty often during our workouts and they can be rough! After a couple sets, the kettlebells really do me in. The kettlebells are obviously a huge fat burner though and I am thankful for the trainers great expertise in what they do. Throughout this competition, I am losing and gaining so many things. The first thing is obvious and that is losing weight and inches. But I am also losing self doubt in myself and losing my negativity. I am also losing the feeling that I am unworthy of being happy. Every day I step into the gym, I am losing the layers that I have been hiding behind for so long. Now for the things I am gaining. I am gaining self esteem, which is something I have struggled with most of my life. I am hearing “I can” a lot more in my head. I’ve been pushing my body during workouts and even though it hurts at times, I know I can do it. One thing I didn’t expect to gain was a new set of friends. The girls are all so supportive and I seriously adore each and every one of them. Throughout all of this, I am gaining so much happiness and what more can anyone ask for?