Okay so lately I have been writing about the time I can’t seem to find to go to the gym. It feels like life is taking off in the right direction for me but I am forgetting some things still need to be on the A list of importance. This competition is definitely on that list of things I keep forgetting. When i went to wright this weeks blog I realized I had my rough draft in my email from last week but never finished it, another thing I needed to do and forgot. Every night when I lay down for bed I go over the days events and then the guilt hits me. Things I forgot to do because I was to busy, or things I said well I will do that later but later never comes. The gym is way to often on that guild list. I still workout at home but even I can’t convince myself that I push as hard as I do at the gym. I need to sit down and organize life! So tonight after I send this in I’m going to sit down and think. I bought a planner and I’m going to schedule the gym in everyday for at least 30 minutes…no “I’ll do it later”, no forgetting, no excuses just doing what needs to be done for me. I have become very busy for the last month or so and I just need to prioritize my responsibilities. I decided to go during the day and take the little boy i watch with me to the gym. I even sent a text to one of my friends from the competition saying Wednesday I was back to the gym in the morning. Then Wednesday came, surprise, my son was sick and I didn’t send him to school so I was not able to go. Okay Thursday, I will go Thursday…nope today came and went and I didn’t squeeze gym time in. Tomorrow is Friday and I will make it to the gym starting back at square one and make sure I go everyday again. It is my own fault for letting the gym fall of my A list of things that need to be done in the day. I may nanny all day and work until 11pm at night but my life depends on me making time for the gym! I realize now how easy it is to step off the path to a healthy life. All that is left to do is step back on and remember how easy it was to lose my way when life gets busy and not let it happen again.
I have been on vacation this week with my family, it has been WONDERFUL! But I miss “my girls”. I text them to let them know I have been thinking about them, I wonder how they are doing with their eating and coping with real life issues…..I have also been keeping tabs on them, I know who has been to the gym and how many times, what classes they’ve taken and how much effort went into their workouts……..I am very proud of them all and can’t wait to see them! After a week away, I know they are going to look very different to me!
See you soon girls!
We’re closing in on the end of the competition, which breaks my heart. However, it’s what I do with my life after this is all over that really matters. It’s easy to push yourself when it’s in a situation where everything has been provided for you. I know that it will take so much more effort when I have to do it on my own. I’m not quitting. I have tasted what it feels like to be healthy and lose weight and I sure as heck am not going down without a fight. These past few months have given me the motivation and determination to keep on going. I’ll never be alone though. I have made some friends I hope to keep forever (I love you girls), I have great trainers (Lisa, Shanna, and Todd), and I have the most amazing family and friends. I know there will always be someone at my side encouraging me along the way.
I haven’t lost as much weight as I was hoping for, but it’s a start, around 20 pounds to be exact. I am proud of myself for that! I’m sure there are things I could have done better, but I did the best I could. I feel guilty if I miss one day at the gym and I don’t see that changing anytime soon… I am a success because I never imagined I could actually lose anything. I have and I will continue to do so. I hope everyone knows that I am in it to win it! Maybe not this competition, but in my journey! Someday I will look back at this experience and KNOW, this is where it all started, because Lisa saw something in me to take a chance on, and I hope to make her and everyone else proud. Love you all!!!
So far this week I have missed some workouts. The kids were sick so I spent the downtime at home tightening schedules, doing laundry, and reorganizing cabinets and drawers. You know, fun stuff… Now I have whatever cold my husband and kids were passing around. But I still lost weight. Not a lot but enough to realize that my body is doing what it is supposed to be doing and just maybe I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I still worked out but about half as much as I usually do. I may have overdone it yesterday because I don’t have enough energy to do any classes today.
But I am going to get all I can out of these last few weeks so now is the perfect time to fall back a little and reassess. I am about 7 pounds from my goal for this competition so I’m going back to my food “uniforms” for the balance of the competition. I call them uniforms because I eat basically the same things for each meal like our kids dress for school. They wear khakis and polos everyday. It makes for an easy conversation about what they are wearing to school today. I’m going to focus even more on making every workout count as my time becomes more limited. Eliminating food options was an easy way to capitalize on less workout time.
Please don’t think I didn’t work out. On Monday I only worked out once, Tuesday I worked out twice, yesterday I worked out for three hours so I know those seven pounds (and probably more) are within my reach but I’m realizing how much of my daily life is exercising. I do not want anyone to think that I’m taking it easy or that this is easy. Those three workouts from Monday and Tuesday and the three I planned for today made me realize how much I really do. It no longer seems like something I do in addition to everything else it kind of just fits in. Yes, I’m sure my house could be cleaner and I have a Cornell West Reader I really should read but I also like fitting into age-appropriate jeans and walking to and from our children’s’ school without getting winded.
I have a lot of fat to lose before I am satisfied and I know this contest is over in a couple of weeks but I will consider it a win if I get to my halfway point by October 7th. So this really is just the beginning for me. I am definitely on a mission because I have other goals for my birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Without this experience I am not so sure I would have set such lofty goals during some typically huge eating days. But with all that I have learned about myself I’m amped because New Year’s is going to be really new for me!
I’ve picked up the pieces of my toppled balancing act. A little rearranging was in order, but I think I’ve found a nice way to balance everything out again. I have a little bit of time for everything now, and I’m feeling pretty good about it. I’ve even improved my mile time again, only by 5 seconds, but it’s still a step in the right direction! I’m going to have to start running outside more now to get ready for that 5K, it’s less than 3 weeks away!
Earlier today while Rita, and Casie, and I were outside running up and down the hill, and basically getting our butts kicked by Todd, a Flab to Fab member came outside and approached us. She told us that she thought we were doing a great job and that she can see a difference in all of us. That was such a great feeling It is so nice when people recognize the work you have put in, and they go out of their way to acknowledge you for it. We have all been working so hard, and it’s nice that people notice it. Especially since, let me tell you, all it takes is one person with one stupid comment to bring you back down to feeling bad about yourself (even if the comment wasn’t really meant to be hurtful). Maya Angelou said “
I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Words can have a lot of power, and the feeling they leave can stick with you for a LONG time. We try to teach kids that “Sticks and stone may break your bones…” but words can hurt worse than stones at times.
So, positive words are always welcome, but please keep negative ones to yourself, because once they escape your mouth, there is no way to get them back. A little encouragement goes a long way, and I think it helps to build up some good karma points
”God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference.”
The Serenity Prayer has such an important message. There are many things I can’t change and I am learning to accept that. I can’t change that I got to over 300 pounds. I also cannot change the fact that I need to work and can’t always be in the gym as much as I’d like. I can’t change my past mistakes and failures. I have spent lots of tears and wasted energy dwelling on these things. I have gained so much strength and courage during the past couple months. I never thought I would be able to admit how much I weigh and my eating habits on a huge scale like this. I also never thought I’d have the courage to push myself this much and not give up during some intense workouts. I also have the courage to say that I am NOT perfect and still will make mistakes. I know only I can change my life and lose this weight. I am not on The Biggest Loser, I am living real life with real every day struggles. And you know what, I plan on making it the best life possible.
I need to clarify something. This whole thing…it’s not about the contest. Sure I’ve been talking in terms of the contest and how it’s soon ending. But that doesn’t mean that my lifestyle change is ending. What I mean when I talk about how I don’t want it to end is that I don’t want this chapter of my lifestyle change to end. When this contest is over, this chapter will be over. No one can argue that. But, using the same logic, a new chapter will begin. This new chapter will still involve me working out and eating healthy. It’ll just be different. That’s all.
I am not a “gym rat.” I will never be. And that’s ok (it’s also ok if you are). I can say, however, that I enjoy going to the gym now. I like how I feel afterwards. But it is by no means my whole world. What I need it to be is an addition to my life…I don’t need it to be my life. And that doesn’t make me any less dedicated. When I go to the gym, I work my butt off. I push myself. I put everything into my time spent there. But I don’t have to spend 4 hours there to feel like I’m accomplishing something. And honestly, I think that’s OK. I don’t need to be obsessed about working out to lose weight and be healthy. I just need to make sure it’s a part of my life. To me, that is something I can continue for the long term. If I spent too much time at the gym I know I would get burnt out. I would get to the point where I’d hate it. And I wouldn’t want to go anymore. And then where would I be?
As for eating healthy…there are good days and bad days. I am not going to say it’s easy, but it’s something I am conscious of now. And something I want to do now. For me. If I slip up, that’s OK. I’m only human. It does no good to beat myself up over it. And I’m not on a “diet.” That would do me no good. It’s a lifestyle change. I can’t eat right ALL the time, but I can eat right MOST of the time. If I want something sweet, I eat fruit. But I will let myself have chocolate every once in a while. If I didn’t, I’d go nuts. It does no good to deny yourself everything all the time. But it does no good to gorge yourself either. Or just eat junk. I’m not an emotional eater and I don’t eat huge portions…I just didn’t care what I ate…if it sounded good, I’d eat it. I never thought about what it was doing for me…or to me. I didn’t think about food as fuel. But now my perspective has changed. I now eat what I need to for my body…what gives me nutrients and energy.
So, some people would say that I’m not giving 100%. Sure, I could go to the gym 4 hours a day, twice a day. I could eat just lettuce and chicken all the time. But what would that do? I may lose a ton of weight now, but would I be able to keep it off? Would I be able to maintain that lifestyle for a long period of time? Probably not. What I am doing may not seem like much to some, but I am doing what I can consistently do. I am working out on a consistent basis and eating healthy on a consistent basis. I plan on maintaining this. I plan on this being my lifestyle. So, like the tortoise, I am going slow and steady. And eventually, I’ll get there. And once I do – I won’t stop. I’ll just keep going. Slow and steady.