I am a very high strung person and I do not like when things don’t go as planned. I am easily stressed and when stressed I just stop…I “shut down”. This week was supposed to be my big come back week, and needless to say that did not go as planned. Friday of last week was the first day I had scheduled to go back to the gym however when I woke up Friday morning my chest was so congested I could barely breath. That lasted for about 5 days roughly and even though I truly was sick I feel like it is one excuse after another. I have been so stressed and so annoyed with life right now. I feel like I’m just barely going through the motions of life and nothing is going as planned it is just going and it is going fast but it seems to have forgotten me! I still work out every day at home and eat the best I can with my busy schedule. But I feel like all I do right now is work. Nanny all day and work all night, even sleep seems to rarely come lately. I have some things going on in my personal life as well right now that have me confused and feeling lost. I need to find time…I am quickly slipping back into bad habits and that is just unacceptable. I still want this more than anything, I know my actions may not reflect that strong desire to be a healthy person but that desire burns deep inside me. I need to find my way back to the right track and stop letting life derail me after every curve. The stress from work and not going to the gym mixed with not seeing my son very much right now is slowly slipping me back into the state of depression that I was in when I started this competition. I feel like i didn’t deserve this wonderful opportunity because I have been so easily distracted. I need to find that spark again, that spark that made me want to try. That spark inside me that helped me see I was worth it. I know deep down in my heart I can still do this, however I am sorry that I have not been believing in myself enough to push as much as I should have in the last couple weeks. I just need to find Kelly again and stick with whats best for myself and stop stressing over life, because life is to be lived not just endured, and lately I”m barely even doing that.
There are only 12 days left of the “contest”, but hopefully there are A LOT more days than tha left for the changes the woman have made in their lives. I am very proud of all of them. To be in the real world and make the emotional and physical gains that they have is nothing short of AWESOME! The women have helped me without even knowing it … to be able to help someone feel better about themselves, smile more, to help someone achieve their goals … it all is a very rewarding feeling right where it counts, my heart!!!!
One of the things I took from my grandmother’s house after she passed was a little wall plaque that she hung in her bathroom. I put it in our bathroom when we bought our first home just so I could have a little bit of her here. It quotes James 4:8 and I have probably read that scripture thousands of times but never really got it until today. It says that, “if you draw near to God, He will draw near to you”. I entered this contest two weeks after starting to work out for the umpteenth time since in at least a decade of trying. I’ve said before if I just got selected for this contest then I would no longer have an excuse for being unhealthy… and I’m just going to say it- fat. I asked God for a chance at something that may not be as important as most things He deals with. “When you ask for something, be prepared when you get it” was the quote that crossed my mind and now I realize that my two weeks of working out three times a week had been a preparation for the challenge I asked for. At that point, I had lost my customary six pounds and was not sure how to get past that. So I stepped out in faith believing that God would put the right people around me, and did He ever!
I have gone from barely getting through one workout a day, three times a week to pounding out two or three workouts a day, five to six days a week. I have gone from barely pulling myself out of bed by 8 am to waking up before my 6:30 alarm goes off and making my kids both breakfast and lunch before school each day. I have gone from barely squeezing into size 22Ws to almost fitting into size 16s (they are a couple of steps until my “goal pants”). This time, losing weight has been totally different and it has to be in correlation with that tiny scripture that has been sitting on the vanity in our half bath for over five years. My friend’s husband pointed out to me today that thing with that scripture is that action on our part is necessary for God to do anything. I could have cried and complained and moped around for another decade about being fat and slow and miserable but that would not have changed a thing. In fact, I probably would have gotten fatter. But the moment that I started toward my goal it was like God was pushing my goal toward me. I started getting stronger. Each time I added a workout and pushed past the kitchen my goal became a little more within my reach. I also noticed that my intensity during the workouts increased. I really try to exaggerate movements to maximize the effectiveness. If I left a class or got off an elliptical without being drenched with sweat, I didn’t work out. Why do anything half hearted? And there I was everyday trying to make good on the investment God has in me. Today I realized that all that I have been doing in this competition is strengthening a relationship with Someone who loves me very much.
When I began this contest I had lots of excuses to not go all in and a new one pops up every now and again just to test my resolve in completing this task. I would have to work harder than everyone else in the contest to lose weight. I do have a great deal of responsibilities with four children at home and my husband’s long hours. I do have to travel across town to work out and gas prices are high. My knee does hurt if I do squats and lunges. Sweating profusely, everyday is pretty rough on my hair. I could go on but it is much more fulfilling to honor the accomplishments that have been achieved in spite of the obstacles. I thank God for every class my husband and I work to get me to. I say “Amen” every time I get farther in a workout than I did before. I thank God for everyone who has gotten something out of these blogs. And every time the numbers get lower on the scale I give thanks and praise to my Father that He thought enough of me to meet me where I was and answer a silly request, just so He could draw closer to me. I still have a great deal of work ahead of me but seeing where I was and feeling the testimony that is growing from this is more than enough to keep pushing me forward.
Losing weight is truly a battle with the mind. The things that I’ve gone through mentally are way more tough than any workout. My ultimate wish is to no longer let my stress or food control me. I have really went through a rough patch the past couple weeks. I’ve gotten discouraged about my work schedule and how much time I was able to spend at the gym. I go as often as I can but I wish sometimes I could just pause life and focus on me. Also, I am the definition of an emotional eater. I eat when I’m sad, upset or bored and lately due to stress. My mind tricks me into thinking if I’ve had a bad day, a bowl of pasta will make me feel better. And so I’ve noticed, it does make me feel better… but only temporarily. Afterwards, I feel guilty and ashamed of myself. The key for me in conquering this weight is going to be consistency. I am going to have to keep trying to make the right choices even on stressful or bad days. Everyone will go through rough patches in life and the key to that is resiliency. It doesn’t matter how many times I fail but it does matter how many times I bounce back and keep on trying. Flab 2 Fab is a great place for motivation and I feel very cared for. I know Lisa, my friends and my fiance Mike will help me get through these bumps in the road. But at the end of the day, only I can control what I put in my mouth and how much I exercise. I will break through this, I refuse to let go of the chance of a truly happy, healthy life.
It’s hard to realize the things you try so hard to ignore. It will take so much effort for me to lose weight. I get that now. I can’t give anything less than 100%. Anything less and I will just maintain the weight I am. It’s the cold hard truth. If I put off a day of working out it takes a toll on my goals. I wish it were different but it’s not. I’ll probably have to spend the rest of my life worrying about my weight and my diet. I’m willing to put forth the effort now more than ever. I want to succeed more than anything.
I hope someday we can have an update on all of us. I’d be thrilled if in the next year I can get to my goal weight. I know it won’t be easy but I think it’s worth a shot. I want my dreams to come true. I want to be happy with my body and I want to show everyone that it is most definitely possible to change your life. I am still just so thankful to have been given this opportunity in the first place. It’s not going to be a walk in the park but it’s so worth it. I would love to be an inspiration to every girl out there who wants to change their life. I know I couldn’t ask for anything more…
I’m not being lazy. And I haven’t been too busy. I’ve just fallen victim to this ever-changing weather. It started last Monday with a sore throat. It then blossomed into full blown bronchitis. Lovely, right? Riiight. Well, anyway, my doctor informed me that my lungs need time to heal so I would not be allowed to work out until (fingers crossed) this Friday. Yep. So I’ve been sick since last Monday…a week and 3 days…and counting. So I’ve only worked out twice in the past week and 3 days. And that just stinks. Like bad.
So, I will be thoroughly excited when I am able to resume sweating profusely whilst getting my butt kicked. Friday can’t come soon enough.
You know, I’ve mentioned what my life was like before this contest started. I was just beginning to turn my life around after two years of horrible depression and anxiety. I was horribly obese, yet I had begun to manage my eating a few months before I head of Thin It to Win It… Yet I was slowly beginning to give up once more. Then, I heard of this program, and gave it a chance. I was lucky enough to be picked, and here I am now, with my life drastically altered. I do know now that I am capable of doing so much more than I gave myself credit for, and it’s a wonderful thing. Ah, and I don’t mean that my views have only changed in the ways of being healthy. No, my views on life, over all, have been changed. Life isn’t the dark, depressing thing I though it was. I’ve always had my family and friends here for me, yet the world seemed so dark and unforgiving… It was as if everything I tried never measured up to anyone’s standards and all I could do was fail. Failure was something I desperately feared. Ah, yet now I know that everyone will fail, and make mistakes… Yet what we must do is stand, brush ourselves off, and try again. If I fail, I will try again… And again, and again… Until I get it right, I will try.
I let the dark bits of the world get at me for far too long. I always knew that there was some good out there, and that if I continued to hide away in my room, I would never find it… Yet I was so anxious and such that I didn’t care to put in the effort to attempting to find it. There were far too many negatives, it seemed, especially when my fall in February of 2010 occurred. That was the final blow. I was given a chance, however, when I found my way to the chiropractor, and, many months later, got my way into physical therapy. When I did the exercises there, I was shown that, if I worked hard enough, I could change the way I felt. I would stretch my back out, and with the exercises, the pain I had seemed to melt away. The more I moved, the better I felt. I was well enough to leave physical therapy in only a few months. I continued to do the exercises, as I still do… I finally saw something good come from trying to exercise. Every time I would try before, whether it be in gym in school, or an attempt at home on my own, I would always fail. I would always feel inadequate, as if I was merely getting out of breath for nothing. Yet now, that has been changed.
Mom always told me that if I moved more, I would feel better… Yet the things I was told never really sink in back then. In one ear, out the other… In my head, I would think, “Yeah, sure I’ll feel better. I’ve tried, Mom, and I feel worse.” I just wasn’t doing it right. Now that I am, I can agree with her now. I guess I had to find out on my own, because I was too negative to listen. I still get that way… Yet I’m trying to improve on it. Before, I thought that things would just come running when I wished them on, and, in all truth, I didn’t know much about hard work. Yet I know now that, just because you want something doesn’t mean the world is going to stop what it’s doing to hand you it. I have to push myself, to work as hard as I can for the things I want in life. I know I’ll never be a skinny supermodel, (not that I really ever want to be one, anyway), yet I do want to be healthy. I want to be able to go for a mile or two run in the morning to start my day and not pass out halfway through due to exhaustion. There are so many amazing people out there who can do such things, and I do envy them… Yet I can’t sit back and wish I was like them. No, I have to work hard enough, to get myself to that point with determination. For some reason, I always thought that, “Oh, I can go for a 10 minute walk and maybe I’ll magically start running and lose 10 lbs…” No, no, it’s not that easy, and I’m idiotic for thinking that it would be. Oh well, I know now, and what is in the past, is in the past.
The present and the future are what I will dwell on now. I always talk about what happened last year and the year before… Yet what happened then can’t be changed, and it doesn’t matter. It’s what I do with the time I have that matters. The world could end tomorrow, and everything would be gone. Could you sit back and say that you decided to drastically alter your life for the better? I can. I can say that I did my best, and as long as I’m up and running, that’s all I’ll ever do. We can be beaten by darkness, thrown to our knees and made to beg, or we can take a stand and fight our way back to the light. I know I must always keep moving forward, because going back would be pointless. “If you fall off the horse, get back on.” Why would anyone want to just sit there in the dirt, feeling sorry for themselves? I used to do that, and there are days when I still feel like all I want to do is crawl into a corner and just cry. Ah, yet I get those emotions out, wipe my eyes, and head back on out. Ah, and for the people who support me, and who have helped change my life, that have helped me realize this (even though it took me a while)… Thank you.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate… Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond all measure. ” – Unknown, inspired by Shanna