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The mood I’m in, maybe I shouldn’t even be writing this right now, but here it goes. Since I was ten years old I have been taking care of those around me, it is part of who I am and what helps to define me as a person. I like being able to make a difference in someones life. It’s a very rewarding feeling.

The gym has always been my special sanctuary, now that I have my own gym it is something beyond that, something so embedded in my heart that I can’t even explain. A friend once told me that my mission in life is to change lives, and that I have changed the lives of the women in my gym to a degree that I could never begin to measure…..I hope some of that statement is true. Women go through so much in their lives, they need to know someone is there, that someone cares.

That being said, the contestants are doing well and making gains. They could be doing better….they need to realize that they are still allowing things to control their lives and their eating habits, they are the only ones that can make the difference and not justify things with excuses. It has to be for them and their future. The range in effort in my opinion, goes from 75% to 97%, one woman is obviously standing out. They talk about the end of the contest, not realizing this is just the beginning……..

Lisa

Today is our oldest son’s tenth birthday!  So of course I have been looking at baby pictures of him all week long thinking of how far we’ve come as a family.  I also noticed that I as much as I took pictures, I wasn’t much for being in them.  They made me so uncomfortable.  I also have been guilty of using the kids to block how big I was if I was forced to take a picture.  There is one picture in particular that was taken the Christmas after our last daughter was born.  I am holding our five month old and I look about seven months pregnant.  I could see people trying to do the math in their heads.  I just chalked it up to “just” having a baby.  Then a couple days after last Christmas (it’s not always Christmas, honest!) my husband, kids, and I were at a toy store cashing in gift cards.  I was holding the baby who was one year (and five months) old and the cashier asked me what I was having this time.  Our kids were born boy-girl-boy-girl so “It must be a boy!  And besides you’re pretty high up!”  The kids looked at me, grinning, like they found something out I hadn’t told them…another Christmas Miracle, perhaps!  I think the look of horror on my husband’s face helped the poor girl recognize her error and she apologized at least eight times while she rung us up.  I am not sure I have ever been around three more uncomfortable adults in my life.  I think we got some free batteries too…  It wasn’t her fault, I looked really pregnant.  I couldn’t chalk this up to just having a baby.

I could have allowed my feelings get the best of me because as terrible as I felt, it would have been easy.  Fortunately, I realized that the time for me to own this had come!  I tried working out but my eating habits were pretty poor.  I never ate breakfast until noon and I had daily bowls of surgery cereal before I went to bed.  I cleaned most of my kids’ plates as well as my own.  Sleep was a luxury.  Do you know how much work you can get done when kids are asleep?!  Ken even bought me an expensive set of DVDs so that I could get workouts in when my day allowed.  I had cycles of working out really hard and then not doing anything for weeks.  I had the desire to change my health and body but couldn’t get it together.  It was about four months of losing and gaining the same six pounds over and over.  Thanks to the exercise and nutrition program at Flab to Fab that six pounds is finally gone for good as well as some of its friends.   I’m fitting clothes that I haven’t worn in years and the nightly cereal thing is no longer a habit.  I am about twenty pounds from my goal for this competition but I am so much closer mentally and emotionally.  My kids deserve to have as many pictures of me as I have of them.

So, for the balance of this contest, I will be working out daily between 2.5 -3 hours, except for Sundays.  I can see some muscles beginning to tone but I can also see that they are beneath some fat that I need to get rid of.  I’m chasing my kids around (and catching them!) and I don’t know if you know but the back of your leg and your behind are two different body parts!  I started this competition trying to figure out how long it would be until I wouldn’t be sore the day after a workout but now I welcome the discomfort.  It means that I am growing, in the right direction.

Winning isn’t everything (unless you’re competing against yourself…then I guess winning IS everything…which I kind of am doing…but that makes this blog more complicated so we’ll just focus on the competing-against-others aspect). So. Right. About winning and how it’s not everything…

Did you know that even if you don’t win, you can gain something? Something that, in the long run, could be more valuable? Well, you can! You’re probably thinking “Great. But why is she talking about all of this when clearly the competition is still going on?” Good question. And the answer is this: I just think it’s important to express that – no matter the outcome – I will be taking many, many wonderful things with me.

One is a home away from home. I honestly never thought a gym could be that for me, but this one is. Flab to Fab is one big family and I am privileged to be a member (a slightly dysfunctional member, maybe, but every family has to have one, right?!?). I have never felt more comfortable or been welcomed as warmly as I have there. So, like the 40 year old man who still lives with his parents, you can’t get rid of me…I’m here and I’m staying.

Another thing I’ll be taking with me is the friendship from the other girls. Every single one of these women is special and I am so lucky to not only know them, but to share this experience with them. I couldn’t imagine doing this with anyone else! They have been a huge support. And I only hope that we can continue to laugh ‘til we snort – whether it’s in the gym or not.

I’ll also be taking with me the tools necessary to succeed. I know what I need to do to be healthy. I know what foods I need to eat (or…what NOT to eat. *Sigh* I still miss you pizza…and cookies). I know I have to eat as often as a baby (every three hours!). And I know what I need to do to turn my chopped ham into lean turkey (one word: exercise).

It’s been another week already?!? The time is flying by way too fast for my liking. I just wish I could wake up and start this competition all over again because it has been such an amazing experience. I have met some people that I never want to lose touch with. I guess that’s my biggest fear. Is everything going to change once this is over? I really hope it doesn’t. I don’t want ANYTHING to change. I have grown so much in the past couple months. I have done a lot of soul searching and I realize that no matter what my size, I am every bit deserving of love and respect as anyone else. I put up this wall around my heart because I have been hurt so much in my past, but it’s time to take it down. I’m a hopeless romantic. I guess I just wish I could have found someone to love me the way I am now, big and beautiful. I just don’t want to feel like I’m not good enough. I know I will lose weight, and I know that will change the way people see me, including my friends.

I am doing this for myself. As much as I want to please everyone around me, I want to make myself happy and healthy the most. I will succeed in this long journey. I am never going to give up and that’s a promise I know I can keep. Someday, instead of showing pictures of the skinny me I was in high school, I’ll show pictures of chubby me now. So they can see how hard I worked. I’m on my way to being in the best shape of my life!!